I’ve been having some issues lately, stress being a factor and result of many. Some of you may know now, most of you not, that God has been trying to prepare me for something. What it is that he’s got planned for me, I haven’t a clue anymore. I thought I had an idea but I’m second guessing myself, and maybe even God.
More of you will probably know that I have been a Christian since I was about 9 or 10. I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior back then and stuff, but over the years began to fall away from the path I should have been following. To this day I’m not entirely sure what caused this to happen since I was still going to church with my parents and stuff, but in the last couple years I was at a point where I just really didn’t even want to go. I had no excuse for not going, I just didn’t want to. When I moved into residence at Lethbridge College I stopped going to church entirely.
In January, a friend from high school, Brittney, came to LC. We weren’t like best friends or anything in high school, but we had classes together and stuff and we got along. We went out for coffee (at Tim Horton’s of course, although neither of us drank coffee) and we just talked and stuff. Before this I had started to want to go back to church but I didn’t want to go by myself. Brittney had said that she wanted to go to church too but didn’t know where to go.
Eventually we did end up going to the Lethbridge E-Free church one Sunday in February. That was kind of the start to a lot of things for me I guess. About a month or so later I had I guess an experience, for lack of a better word, in which God was trying to tell me something. I think it just that he’s still there and he’s still watching me and has a plan for me, but he told me to get a hold of a friend of my parents in Ontario, who had told me something rather significant, although at the time it didn’t really mean much to me I guess because I was somewhat distant from God, even though we were in a church at the time that he said it to me.
Now, when I say that I was “distant from God” I don’t mean that I was doing drugs, drinking, partying, etc. I wasn’t. I mean I would have a couple drinks once in a while with friends. But I’ve never been drunk in my life. I’ve never done any drugs. And I’ve never felt comfortable in the “party” scene, bars, house parties, etc. What I mean is that I just wasn’t following him. I mean I guess I wasn’t really far off the “trail”, if you will. Not like a lot of people. I was going through a lot emotionally and I never talked to anyone. I tend to hold a lot of stuff inside. There are things that I have never told anyone. Not my parents or even my closest friends.
Anyways, since that day, I believe it was towards the end of March, I’ve been trying to figure out what it is that God is preparing me for, but it seems like so many things are getting in the way, and I’m trying too hard maybe. Today I’ve been feeling really quite depressed, and also a bit sick, but that’s for other reasons. I think part of it has to do with the stuff that happened yesterday after church. Church was amazing though! Brittney and I went to the Miracle Channel, my parents came into Lethbridge for that as well. But pretty much since going out for lunch with my parents yesterday I’ve just been feeling depressed.
I don’t entirely know why I’m feeling like this though. I think maybe part of it is that I’m realizing that I’m trying too hard. But I do know that I’m the kind of person who prefers to know where I’m going. I don’t really like to just go out into the world with no plan mapped out before hand. This becomes evident even with small things like going grocery shopping. I have to have a list of stuff I need to buy before hand and I have to know what store I’m going to go to. Or if I need to go somewhere in town and I don’t really where it is. I will call someone to get an idea, or look at a map, or at least know the address before I get in my car and drive. I have to have some idea of where I’m going before I go. It’s just the way I am. That may also be why when we moved, both from Ontario to Northern Alberta in 2001 and from Northern Alberta to Southern Alberta in 2006, I didn’t have too much trouble with it because we had it all planned out months in advance. But if I was to suddenly have to pick up and move with very little notice I don’t know how I would handle it.
I think that might be part of why I’ve been wanting to look for apartments so much right now because I want to know where to go before I do it. I don’t know if that even makes sense to anyone else other than me.
Anyway, I guess that’s basically what’s been going on with me lately, in addition to homework and school related stuff. I know some people have been wondering, some people don’t know, and some people just simply don’t care, but I felt like I needed to get it out.
So for those of you praying people, feel free to pray for me I guess just for patience and maybe clarity. There was another word that my parents had said the other day that’s better, but I can’t remember what it was. For you non-praying people…I don’t know. I guess you can do whatever the heck you want.
But not snot! Lol.